Date: Wed, 19 Jun 1996 15:46:03 -0400
From: Adam Hartfield
Subject: Bat Story
To: Multiple recipients of list WORDS-L
This is a little something I sent around at work; everything is 100%
true. Baystate is the local megahospital.
Saturday afternoon I was getting ready to vacuum the second
storey of my house. I plugged the vacuum cleaner into the
power strip in the hall by the "computer", and as I was
setting up the cleaner to use it, something flew by my head
that was bigger than a bug. It bonked into the bay window on
the staircase and then flew by me again. I thought, how the
heck did a bird get in here? Upon closer inspection it
proved to be a BAT, not a bird. Oy! Ohmigod, I thought, it's
gonna bite me and I'll have to go to Baystate for a rabies
shot. It flew into the back bedroom by the bathroom (say
that 5 times fast) whereupon I kicked the rug out of the way
and shut the door to trap Winged Death.
So then what was I gonna do? I don't have a swimming pool so
I have no skimming net. I'm not an ornithologist so I don't
have a butterfly net either. Finally I decided to consult my
neighbors the Callaghans.
They weren't home.
I sure as heck wasn't going to talk to my other neighbors.
They annoy the *@#$ out of me and I wasn't going to be
beholden to them for ANYTHING. I went across the street to
the house that looks like Macaulay Culkin's home in _Home
Alone_. Rang the bell, explained my predicament to Mike (the
guy who lives there, duh) who said isn't that funny, they
were just talking about bats last night, but no, he didn't
know how to catch one. He or his wife, I forget who,
suggested I take a big glass jar and scoop the bat up and
put the lid on lickety-split. So that's what I did. I got a
glass jar & lid from the pantry, where anything in the Free
World can be found if one looks hard enough, put on my
trusty Drew baseball cap and tromped upstairs. I snagged an
old towel out of the Pile O'Stuff in the front right bedroom
and headed in to do battle with Winged Death.
I opened the door to a room that was as quiet as a tomb.
(nice rhyme, eh?) Mr. Bat was hiding. I looked all around
and couldn't find him. I kicked the bed to see if he was
under there but no such luck. I shook the drapes on one
window. Nada. I went to the other window, shook the drapes
there, and discovered a hanging bat who started chirping
loudly and crawling up the drapes. Bwahahaha, he wasn't
going to get away so easily. I scooped him into the jar and
put the lid on. It was really quite easy. He was NOT a happy
camper and screamed all the way down the stairs and across
the street. I showed Mike & wife the bat, which really was a
scrawy little thing maybe 3" x 1". But it must've had a 12"
wingspan. Vicious little fanged teeth, too. After looking at
it for a minute or two they suggested I let it go. Yeah. So
I opened the jar, set it on its side, and the bat crawled
out and flew away. I watched it and it flew away from my
house. Now all I have to do is figger out where the bugger
came in and close the entrance.
Once that was all over I went back upstairs and finished