Date: Tue, 23 Apr 1996 15:09:05 -0500
Sender: English Language Discussion Group <WORDS-L@uga.cc.uga.edu>
From: Myles Callum <MCALLUM@DELPHI.COM>
Subject: Re: Tuesdays...
To: Multiple recipients of list WORDS-L <WORDS-L@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>

Marie says:

>I love 'em! Not only does the Science Times arrive on my
>doorstep, but I get to get rid of my garbage and go into work
>late. I wouldn't mind working a 12-8 shift every day.

I too have had an idyllic Tuesday. Like Marie I read the Science Times section with its delightful news that E. coli has somehow acquired the gene for Shiga toxin, and about the Paleoindians in the Cave of the Painted Rock. When I went down to pick up my mail, I discovered that my car was missing and must have been stolen. Laughing merrily at this unexpected circumstance, I cabbed to the East District police station, where Officer Lewis helped me fill out a Stolen Auto report. Then, of course, I went to the mall. There, at Panda Express, I had the noodles, with fried shrimp and barbecued chicken, after which fine repast I cabbed home and reported the car theft to the insurance company, then arranged for a rental car.

Whatever car I get next will have power windows, an indulgence I've missed ever since I got rid of the Lincoln Town Car in the mid-80s. I was going to give the Honda to one of my daughters; but she, being between boyfriends and life decisions, reported last night that she'd be taking off next week for a few months of trekking around New Zealand, Australia, Bali, Bangkok, Rangoon and Kathmandu, an excellent adventure. Thus she won't need a car for a while, and I will have power windows. So you see, all is for the best in this best of all possible worlds!

Myles


Date: Tue, 23 Apr 1996 17:55:07 -0500
Sender: English Language Discussion Group <WORDS-L@uga.cc.uga.edu>
From: Myles Callum <MCALLUM@DELPHI.COM>
Subject: Re: Tuesdays...
To: Multiple recipients of list WORDS-L <WORDS-L@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>

>The most <pregnant> part of this story is the encounter with
>Officer Lewis. I want to know more about this episode.
>--ggs

You've gone to the heart of it, as usual, and <pregnant> is the right word. Officer Lewis was a tall, strapping fellow who ushered me into the <back room>, where I had a fleeting vision of being interrogated mercilessly by the Rubber Hose Squad, since this (a) this is Jersey City, and (b) it was a pure-dee detective precinct, not the main headquarters. When we got to the back office, a young woman was leaving the room, and he bandied some words with her.

While he rolled the forms into the manual typewriter--I hadn't seen one of those in a while--Officer Lewis proceeded to complain to one of his compadres that this was the seventh @#$!%! set of forms he had filled out and it was barely two o'clock.

"They think they doin' ya some sorta @#$!@ <favor> they put ya in here for the day, I ratha be out on the @!@#$@! street! Last name?" I gave him my license.

As he typed, the cop at the next desk asked him who the girl was. He told him her name, and the other cop made some remark about her desirability in the sack.

"Uh huh. But she pregnant."

"Nnnghhh."

"She pregnant and she married. She not pregnant, that's different, I take her out to the beach. But not if they pregnant. Not if they married."

I was pleased that my forms were being filled out by a man of high moral character. Officer Lewis asked me some questions, typed, asked more questions, made two calls to get some file numbers, and that was that. I thanked him for his help and left, though it was all I could do to keep from inviting this splendid officer over to the mall for some lo mein. I wanted to know where the beach was and what they would do there. Now I'll probably never know, unless good fortune strikes again and someone steals my rental car. Which they are welcome to do. It's a red '94 Mercury Tracer. No power windows.

Myles


Date: Thu, 25 Apr 1996 06:06:42 -0500
Sender: English Language Discussion Group <WORDS-L@uga.cc.uga.edu>
From: Myles Callum <MCALLUM@DELPHI.COM>
Subject: Car Recovered

I figured that Honda would have been through a chop shop by now, but would you believe it has been recovered, as I was informed by a gendarme, to my startlement, at 3:45 a.m. While cruising the neighborhood in the wee hours, the cops saw a car illegally parked in front of a hydrant a few blocks away. They checked the plate, found that it had been reported missing, and came ringing my bell. Dang near gave me a heart attack. It is discombobulating to be awakened at that hour by a cop on your doorstep.

Somebody wanted a 217-mile joyride. The ignition and gas locks were punched out and the trunk had been emptied, but otherwise no damage.

This is what happens when you lust out loud for power windows. Fate waggles her finger...

Ah well. The old girl is back. Beers all around!

Myles